I sell vintage clothes and make accessories and other neat things. You can click on a picture or go to http://hallandhautes.com/ to see more.

I started a new website called Hall & Hautes. I sell vintage mens and womens items, stuff for the home and handmade goods.



Check it out please.

I'm coming back.

all i can fucking think about is you leaving me. and i wanted desperately to cling on to your leg with my legs and my arms and try to make you stay but it would have been humiliating for me and it was easier to just curl up on the futon with my face into the back of it and ignore you when you tried to say goodbye. i turned to you and kissed you and your eyes were watery i think and you said "you're so mad at me." and i said "yeah, i am." and then i went back to being curled up. you looked so hurt that i was so pissed at you. and i get that. i got it then too. but it wasn't worth it. you weren't worth it. and i'm terrified i won't find someone who is.

i remember being so excited to tell you i love you for the first time. i wrote about it in my livejournal in fact! i told people about it. "I'm going to L-Bomb him when he gets back from Utah." and then you came back and i was so fucking scared but i did it and you were mad that I beat you to it. your timing was always wrong.

i remember you telling me you might stay in seattle and not go to japan until i had graduated and we could go together and in the meantime you might go to UW and i remember the next thing we were at ashley's, she was cutting your hair, and you were showing her on google maps where you would be living and she was so excited for you and everyone else was so excited for you except for me. i was the only person who wanted to ruin it for you. and that should have been the end. when i realized you weren't staying for me, i should have walked away but i was fucking stupid and i stayed. and i regret that every time i see your goddamn face in my mind, trying to kiss me with your teary-welled eyes and you saying "you're so mad at me."

I had a dream last night.

I remember standing on a street corner helping a giant woman (she seemed giant, was probably at least 6 feet tall and very big boned) take off her coat. I could tell that she and her two friends were German because they were talking w/eachother. And I for whatever reason decided to try to talk to them. My german is terrible and I said "Entschuldigung Sie bitte" which is like "excuse me" as I tried to walk around them. Then I asked "Konnen ich hilfe mit der buttons?" cuz I could tell this woman seemed a bit "special" and was trying to get her coat off.

Anyway, I helped her get the coat off and then I started crossing the street. Jeremy was in the middle of the street crossing diagonally even though there were cars coming and he said "Bun! Come follow me this way! I discovered something that other people on earth don't know about yet!" So I followed.

Eventually I got to the building I apparently lived in. Peter was there and tried to jump over a fence but kept not making it. I said "Aah! Don't kill yourself." and then somehow a penis joke got started. It probably went something like this:

Don't kill yourself Peter!
I'll kill you!
I'll kill your penis!
Your mom has a penis.
YOU have a penis! OH wait.

Or something equally tasteful and classy. Both Christina and Jeremy were there to join in. Peter and Jeremy were roommates and Christina and I lived together. We heard ZJ whining from the apt so we hurried up the stairs to get him. He'd peed on the floor but I wasn't mad because I blamed it on myself for leaving him home alone so long.



OH SHIT. I remember I was going to give my dentist a blowjob (WTF?) And I can't remember why, but it was in payment for something like my fake tooth that I have. He was not attractive (in reality I actually have an okay looking dentist. I think my brain modeled him after my TX sugar daddy). He kept trying to have sex with me though and I was like "Stay away from my pussy! I'm not having sex with you!" And also was taking FOREVER to finish. Eventually I just asked him "How long is this going to take you?" and he acted all mock offended but I could tell he was really pissed off and frustrated. He said "You don't have to stay here. It's not like I'm going to take anything back if you don't stay."

There were also other people that I know from church Sunday school including a girl who's dead now. And I remember in the dream contemplating whether or not I could ever date her because she was super butch in real life.

There were necklaces that had messages written in beads on them, but I just had 3 blank cords around my neck.

Anyway, Mr. Dentist's penis was awful I hated it. I left because I felt really awful and sleazy. And then I think that's when I met up with the German ladies on the street corner. Oh and Mr. Dentist was wearing rubber gloves. I told him I thought it was hot, but it was a lie!

You pretend youre high
You pretend youre bored
You pretend youre anything
Just to be adored
And what you need
Is what you get

Dont believe in fear
Dont believe in faith
Dont believe in anything
That you cant break

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted

What drives you on what drives you on
Can drive you mad can drive you mad
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had

Dont believe in love

Dont believe in hate
Dont believe in anything
That you cant waste

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Cant believe you fake it
Cant believe you fake it

Dont believe in fear
Dont believe in pain
Dont believe in anyone
That you cant tame

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Cant believe you fake it
Cant believe you fake it

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Cant believe you fake it
Cant believe you fake it

fuck. i am so irresponsible/lazy/panic disordered/i don't know what my problem is.

i am trying to defer my student loans because i have no job and no way to pay them let alone my other bills and it's like my brain shuts down whenever i need to do something really important. i've gained 10 pounds and i hate it. i hate my hair. i realize this is stupid and vain.

i have to sell my ds on ebay. i keep hoping i won't wake up. or that i can just disappear into thin air. or any escape. seriously. fuck. i am so mad and sad and desperate and stressed out. i hate this.

rant done.

i hate when people pay attention to me buying food, preparing food, dishing up food, eating food or anything like that.

i have been watching this girl's youtube videos and this one about the grocery store made me laugh. i always feel very self conscious and angry when strangers talk to me at the store.

I do not care that I fit into size 0-3 pants. It does not comfort me. ughhhhhh

i miss being skinny.

stupid.

o hai, having salez in my etsy shops. 30 - 50 percent off everything. have a visit, you might find something you like! (:

http://sarahahaha.etsy.com/

http://polygnome.etsy.com/

Karma police, arrest this man, he talks in maths
He buzzes like a fridge, hes like a detuned radio
Karma police, arrest this girl, her hitler hairdo, is making me feel ill
And we have crashed her party
This is what you get, this is what you get
This is what you get, when you mess with us

Karma police, Ive given all I can, its not enough
Ive given all I can, but were still on the payroll
This is what you get, this is what you get
This is what you get, when you mess with us
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself

For a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself

I've been on this strange creative high lately. I'm srsly putting the eating in creating.

Here are a few examples of what I've eaten:
a jar of almond butter
half a jar of peanut butter
french and sourdough baguettes
soup
pineapple
san pellegrino aranciata

Here are a few examples of what I've made:










Card set


Above it card


Octopet self portrait card






The cards and apron are in my etsy shop right now. The clutches probz will be soon.

I'm moving blogs to polygnome.blogspot.com

Also, do me a favor and look at my cards at sarahahaha.etsy or tell your friends about them!

Etsy: Your place to buy & sell all things handmade sarahahaha.etsy.com

today i weighed myself. 105 pounds. yesterday was 103 pounds. 105 was my goal weight so it shouldn't bother me that i weigh exactly what my goal is. but now i think my goal is 98. and when i get there i'm sure my goal will be 83. and then i don't know.

i'm quitting smoking.

i've been paranoid i have an ectopic pregnancy. i no longer think this because the pain went away instead of getting worse. but i think this picture is hilarious and tragic at the same time:

ugh

lately sometimes i feel so awake. but right now i feel sad and want to disappear into the walls.


before i was pretty much just waiting to die. i even said fucked up things like "i don't know if i'll be alive by the time you come back." which was kind of true because i was essentially suicidal, but fucked up to say. he is such a douchebag.


i'm done writing for now.

Does anyone read this? Just wondering ...



Yesterday, at about 10pm, I went to the grocery store after not eating for the whole day. I ended up buying like $70 worth of food, which includes but is not limited to:

1 loaf of french bread
1 pepper grinder
1 garlic & salt grinder
a symphony bar
2 frozen pizzas
beer.

What's awkward is that my mom asked to see the receipt because she was going to reimburse me for some of the food. I let her see it because I wanted money, but it was like "geh." Even more ridiculous than my grocery shopping is this: My 18 pound terrier mixed dog gave me my first black eye last night. Long story short he jumped when I was bending down to pick him up and the top of his skull hit my brow bone.

january

three words bled me dry. three simple words bled us dry.

Zoltan bought me a car for Christmas. WTF right?

I started doing the first workout in the Slim-in-Six program. I still want to weight 105 lbs. I'm like 128 right now.

Downloaded and watched Season 1 & 2 of Heroes, read all of the Gossip Girl series ... b'd and p'd a lot, went to Japan twice, raised a puppy ...

FUCK

If I weren't crazy obsessed psychotic though I wouldn't put up with this shit. Fuck.

I saved my Christmas ornaments from the tree in separate bags from my parents' decoration because I had his idea that by next December Zoltan and I would be living together & I'd want the decorations for our own tree ...

Then I ate a grilled stuft burrito (no sauce) and kung pao shrimp, lo mein & fried rice.

Zoltan is definitely not that boy. Maybe Peter is, I'm not sure.

I went to Dana's second wedding shower. It was extremely boring.

... I have to quit if I work at PCLI. I will quit. I will take the job if they offer it to me (I kind of hope they don't because I'm starting to feel the pressure) I will move on from Zenos. I will pay him back $4,000 ... I will be successful and I will find someone even if it takes the rest of my life. I will move out of my parents' house. I will have children or I will adopt if my cervix is too fucked up. I will make it.

Anything to feel less shitty about Zoltan. Ha, this is strangely familiar.

I wanted him to tell me I didn't have to prostitute myself on the internet because he'd take care of me.

My birthday's coming up. I thought if I had a job and saved enough money I'd fly Zenos out for Valentine's Day and our birthdays ...

It's so predictable at this point.

I had a dream Zoltan was writing me letters inside a pillowcase filled with fat. I had to cut it open, dump out the fat and then hold the fabric to the light to read it. Most frustrating of all was that it said what I imagined it would say and it definitely didn't make me feel better.

I still haven't decided if it falls in to the category of rape or not.

Steve Choi...the crush of my life...

... after consulting with the Tune re: Daniel I've decided that I could call what he did rape. I'd like to think that my mental breakdown was caused by that at least partially.

I AM NOT GOING TO BE SWEPT OFF MY FEET

He told me next time I'm in Seattle I should buy him dinner. Uh, no.

Grandma Rosa offered to pay me $15/hr to help her polish brass.

I feel like I've finally been able to get a breath of air since I don't feel the burden of Zenos weighing on me.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid Sarah stupid Sarah stupid Sarh stupid Sarah STUPID Sarah Stupid Sarah

I asked Jason if I could have $200 to go clubbing.

Why do I keep saying "Don't leave me." The past can't be undone.

I wrote a letter. I took 5 benadryl. I threw up the chicken katsu. I took 4 more benadryl.

I'm so mad.
I'm tired of being depressed.
I want to get married and have babies.
I want to make my kids' lunches.
I want to write them "I love you! Have a nice day!" on their napkins.
That breaks my heart.


february

It's the next day. Last night I did it ... so strange to have no wants or desires. It doesn't feel heavy. It just is.

... today/yesterday was my 22nd birthday ... my client Julia slept the whole time I was there.

Step Up 2 on Valentine's Day w/Louie.

I don't want to go to Jesus prison but I don't want to be here in the NW when Zoltan comes back from Japan. The dream I had ... "Stay the fuck away from me!" and I fell on the stairs and couldn't run away ...


march

Meet John--dreamy! J tries to eat a 12 egg omelet and it's disgusting. Yujin keeps asking me the same q.'s.

Give Roy back his stolen Pisces lighter. See Laura, Peter. Chit chat. Kiss Peter on the cheek.

I am nervous because I haven't been sober around him before.

John picked me up because car's fucked up. He looks at it and decides it may be something he may be able to fix. Takes a part out of it to bring to Seattle to sauder on. <3 Dreamy? Yes.

My car dies on I-5 ... Car is towed to auto mall ... Christina and I plot to have John come get me.

Random Ben Kemkes sighting. Chop Suey. The Silver Fork! Michael. Northgate. Spandex pant party. Sha-neighbors. Alcoholic Ben.

LAST NIGHT--wrench thrown into good mood. Z says he needs to ask me something important.

Ugh, I'm at a low point of the high.


april

I think I love you. But if there's something I believe about love, it's that love is never enough ... People still fail. Clearly.

"You know you're going to lose John." "I know."


may


june


july

No therapist. No meds. No listening to advice.

ABDC tonight. Eritrean food w/ Troy & X & Laura ... Jason sent me $500.00 which is mostly gone. I met someone that looks like a fat Steve Choi.


august
september
october
november
december

what a crazy fucking night last night. awesome.













i need you to be the strength of widows and soul survivors
i need you to be as fearless as new mothers and new fathers
i need you to be the hope of hearts who lost true love
i need you to be the might of their first kiss
i need a purpose and i need a reason
i need to know that there is trophy and meaning
to all that we lose and all we fight for
to all our loves and our wars
keep breathing
keep living
keep searching
keep pushing on
keep bleeding
keep healing
keep fading
keep shining on
this is for the hearts still beating