january

three words bled me dry. three simple words bled us dry.

Zoltan bought me a car for Christmas. WTF right?

I started doing the first workout in the Slim-in-Six program. I still want to weight 105 lbs. I'm like 128 right now.

Downloaded and watched Season 1 & 2 of Heroes, read all of the Gossip Girl series ... b'd and p'd a lot, went to Japan twice, raised a puppy ...

FUCK

If I weren't crazy obsessed psychotic though I wouldn't put up with this shit. Fuck.

I saved my Christmas ornaments from the tree in separate bags from my parents' decoration because I had his idea that by next December Zoltan and I would be living together & I'd want the decorations for our own tree ...

Then I ate a grilled stuft burrito (no sauce) and kung pao shrimp, lo mein & fried rice.

Zoltan is definitely not that boy. Maybe Peter is, I'm not sure.

I went to Dana's second wedding shower. It was extremely boring.

... I have to quit if I work at PCLI. I will quit. I will take the job if they offer it to me (I kind of hope they don't because I'm starting to feel the pressure) I will move on from Zenos. I will pay him back $4,000 ... I will be successful and I will find someone even if it takes the rest of my life. I will move out of my parents' house. I will have children or I will adopt if my cervix is too fucked up. I will make it.

Anything to feel less shitty about Zoltan. Ha, this is strangely familiar.

I wanted him to tell me I didn't have to prostitute myself on the internet because he'd take care of me.

My birthday's coming up. I thought if I had a job and saved enough money I'd fly Zenos out for Valentine's Day and our birthdays ...

It's so predictable at this point.

I had a dream Zoltan was writing me letters inside a pillowcase filled with fat. I had to cut it open, dump out the fat and then hold the fabric to the light to read it. Most frustrating of all was that it said what I imagined it would say and it definitely didn't make me feel better.

I still haven't decided if it falls in to the category of rape or not.

Steve Choi...the crush of my life...

... after consulting with the Tune re: Daniel I've decided that I could call what he did rape. I'd like to think that my mental breakdown was caused by that at least partially.

I AM NOT GOING TO BE SWEPT OFF MY FEET

He told me next time I'm in Seattle I should buy him dinner. Uh, no.

Grandma Rosa offered to pay me $15/hr to help her polish brass.

I feel like I've finally been able to get a breath of air since I don't feel the burden of Zenos weighing on me.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid Sarah stupid Sarah stupid Sarh stupid Sarah STUPID Sarah Stupid Sarah

I asked Jason if I could have $200 to go clubbing.

Why do I keep saying "Don't leave me." The past can't be undone.

I wrote a letter. I took 5 benadryl. I threw up the chicken katsu. I took 4 more benadryl.

I'm so mad.
I'm tired of being depressed.
I want to get married and have babies.
I want to make my kids' lunches.
I want to write them "I love you! Have a nice day!" on their napkins.
That breaks my heart.


february

It's the next day. Last night I did it ... so strange to have no wants or desires. It doesn't feel heavy. It just is.

... today/yesterday was my 22nd birthday ... my client Julia slept the whole time I was there.

Step Up 2 on Valentine's Day w/Louie.

I don't want to go to Jesus prison but I don't want to be here in the NW when Zoltan comes back from Japan. The dream I had ... "Stay the fuck away from me!" and I fell on the stairs and couldn't run away ...


march

Meet John--dreamy! J tries to eat a 12 egg omelet and it's disgusting. Yujin keeps asking me the same q.'s.

Give Roy back his stolen Pisces lighter. See Laura, Peter. Chit chat. Kiss Peter on the cheek.

I am nervous because I haven't been sober around him before.

John picked me up because car's fucked up. He looks at it and decides it may be something he may be able to fix. Takes a part out of it to bring to Seattle to sauder on. <3 Dreamy? Yes.

My car dies on I-5 ... Car is towed to auto mall ... Christina and I plot to have John come get me.

Random Ben Kemkes sighting. Chop Suey. The Silver Fork! Michael. Northgate. Spandex pant party. Sha-neighbors. Alcoholic Ben.

LAST NIGHT--wrench thrown into good mood. Z says he needs to ask me something important.

Ugh, I'm at a low point of the high.


april

I think I love you. But if there's something I believe about love, it's that love is never enough ... People still fail. Clearly.

"You know you're going to lose John." "I know."


may


june


july

No therapist. No meds. No listening to advice.

ABDC tonight. Eritrean food w/ Troy & X & Laura ... Jason sent me $500.00 which is mostly gone. I met someone that looks like a fat Steve Choi.


august
september
october
november
december