how do you repair a sinkhole in your heart?
when nothing is enough to fill you up, what you do get, even generous offerings, disappear quickly
why do you look for answers if they do not exist?
they were destroyed long ago and there's no hope for resurrection, yet you still hope

me: mama why did you leave me? i needed you, you're my mother.
mother: i didn't want to, i promise. but i had to, and it was best for you.
me: if you didn't want to, why did you do it?
mother: i told you. i had to.
me: why?
mother: i wasn't in a situation to take care of you.
me: why not? what sort of situation were you in?
mother: i was poor and unmarried
me: so?
mother: i couldn't have provided you what you needed, what you deserved.
me: what did i need and deserve?
mother: a stable family, an education, money, clothes, food
me: but i needed you. you could have given me that much.
mother: no, i couldn't. i didn't even have enough of myself for myself.
me: but i could have given you me. together we could have made it.
mother: no, babies can't give, they can only take.
me: i think babies give more than adults can. they love you so so much no matter what you do. they give you a sense of purpose and a feeling of responsibility. they are tiny little balls of concentrated potential. how could it not give you hope to raise one?
mother: i was hopeless. i'm sorry.
me: me too.

what i ended up bringing with me what i ended up leaving behind:
mid calf brown boots, knee high black boots, purple ankle boots, black patent calfhair wedges, black ballet flats, running shoes, underwear, bras, fur coat, fur lined hooded jacket, magenta jacket, other assorted jackets and blazers, leggings, jeans, two short sleeved turtlenecks, trapeze tops, dresses, a painting that's a gift for the bf, a miniature broom and dustpan (housewarming gift), glass photo coasters (another housewarming gift), four hats, scarves, long black leather gloves, short black leather gloves, cream cashmere fingerless gloves, shampoo, *conditioner (still need to buy), face wash, body wash, hair products, hair accessories, makeup, straight iron, curling iron, ipod, books, magazines, airplane snacks, wallet, passport, sunglasses, contact lenses and cases, glasses, robe, nintendo ds, digital camera, rechargeable batteries + charger, camera cable, ds charger ....


what i've purchased here:
3 drawer acrylic organizer for makeup, hello kitty pajamas, weird sweatshirt, fake nails, rubber nail charms, sketch pad, two graph paper notebooks, 3 pens, 3 sable brushes, watercolors, f cup cookies (did not work), camouflage pet sling carrier for my dog, blue squeaky pig dog toy, panda parka for dog, yellow circle sunglasses, weird flip up sunglasses as gift for craigslistwhore ...


still on my list: gifts for friends and fam, heel saddle shoes like the bally ones i wanted from nordstrom but $550 cheaper, more stuff for my dog

tomorrow craigslistwhore is picking me up and taking me to seattle where i'm staying until tuesday. tuesday i fly to tokyo. i'm excited to get out of here. living with my parents is draining.

the prescriptions i'm taking (ortho evra, effexor and seroquel) are not treating me well. for some reason i am bleeding when i shouldn't be. i can't feel my face or my arms or my legs. and i feel completely out of it. i'm more moody than usual and i can't help but feel overwhelmed by despair.

t9 is a funny thing.
coal anal cock
lips kiss
select reject

i can't fit everything i want to take into my luggage. necessities include: mid calf brown boots, knee high black boots, purple ankle boots, black patent calfhair wedges, black ballet flats, running shoes, underwear, bras, fur coat, fur lined hooded jacket, magenta jacket, other assorted jackets and blazers, leggings, jeans, two short sleeved turtlenecks, trapeze tops, dresses, a painting that's a gift for the bf, a miniature broom and dustpan (housewarming gift), glass photo coasters (another housewarming gift), four hats, scarves, long black leather gloves, short black leather gloves, cream cashmere fingerless gloves, shampoo, *conditioner (still need to buy), face wash, body wash, hair products, hair accessories, makeup, straight iron, curling iron, ipod, books, magazines, airplane snacks, wallet, passport, sunglasses, contact lenses and cases, glasses, robe, nintendo ds, digital camera, rechargeable batteries + charger, camera cable, ds charger ....

i have to go let my dog in.