i'm home now in my little flooded town.

jaden picked me up from the airport this morning, much to kaden's annoyance i'm sure. then my parents came and fetched me from seattle when the mighty tides receded. my sleep pattern is thoroughly fucked.

i am feeling incredibly deep sadness. when you're depressed all the time, it's often difficult to differentiate between levels of sadness. but i really think i'm lower than usual right now.

i somehow gained 15 pounds in the six weeks i was in tokyo when it was actually my goal to lose 15. i know there's not really anything in that sentence that's logical, but it's still so frustrating to me.

i haven't talked to kaden yet, i don't know if i should or if i should just send him a letter. i understand why i had that dream about tortoise stalking me at church. i think it's about trying to find peace for yourself and then someone very inconsiderately coming into your life to dangle promises of false hope in your face when you're vulnerable. i don't want that, it's too draining, and when i run away from it, it's because i really do want it in some ways and i don't trust myself to keep from reaching for it.

my checking account's overdrawn, i have bills due the next few days, no money and i'm going to have to sell my ds on ebay. kadengot it for me for my birthday in february.

on a happier note, i'm somewhat excited for christmas which my ridiculous family is celebrating this weekend. also, one of my childhood friends is having her bridal shower this weekend. but ... i'm one of her bridesmaids and i don't know if the dress i ordered before i left for japan is still going to fit ):

oh and it turns out my uncle is gay, the young one (my great uncle is gay too). and coming out is big gossip for any family i'm sure, but my family is very conservative christian and an intervention with a church pastor is formulating and now everyone in the family knows that he has a collection of exotic underwear. i love my aunt very much and i feel terrible for her because her marriage has been so shitty. i feel bad for my uncle because he's still trying to hide it when it's so obvious.

today is black friday. it'll be saturday in about two hours. i went out shopping in ikebukero to honor my american consumer roots and very disappointingly did not buy anything. several things caught my eye ... toilet paper "dolls," those cages you turn bingo numbers out of, hot pink LED christmas lights, blinged out initial key rings, a panda hat, and several very fashionable sunglasses which i thought would make good presents for my bff. however, i for some reason couldn't bring myself to buy anything.

on the way home however, i got a "pudezenta" aka present. it was pretty exciting. i stopped into a mini stop to get a beverage (i picked this delicious canada dry pear fizz) and after i paid for my item he pulls out this box from under the counter. it has a hole in the front of it but strips of foam block you from seeing what's inside. he says something to me and i'm thinking oh no i do not put my hand in there and pull something out. and i say nihongho ga wakarimasen/i don't understand japanese. he says some more japanese so i start to put my hand in the hole and look at him to make sure this is what i'm supposed to do. he nods and says "justa one" so i put my hand in there and dig around for justa one of these little cardboard squares i feel. i grab one and it has a beverage in the picture and i show him this. he cocks his head to the side and thinks for a moment about what to say. "pu-dez-en-ta." then he ran and grabbed me a little bottle of royal milk tea which was hot and actually a lovely present for the cold walk home.

on other topics, i reeally want to vom like nobody's business.
i'm watching the nanny diaries which is a very sweet movie.
i'm going to go get more tg food to eat.