i'm home now in my little flooded town.

jaden picked me up from the airport this morning, much to kaden's annoyance i'm sure. then my parents came and fetched me from seattle when the mighty tides receded. my sleep pattern is thoroughly fucked.

i am feeling incredibly deep sadness. when you're depressed all the time, it's often difficult to differentiate between levels of sadness. but i really think i'm lower than usual right now.

i somehow gained 15 pounds in the six weeks i was in tokyo when it was actually my goal to lose 15. i know there's not really anything in that sentence that's logical, but it's still so frustrating to me.

i haven't talked to kaden yet, i don't know if i should or if i should just send him a letter. i understand why i had that dream about tortoise stalking me at church. i think it's about trying to find peace for yourself and then someone very inconsiderately coming into your life to dangle promises of false hope in your face when you're vulnerable. i don't want that, it's too draining, and when i run away from it, it's because i really do want it in some ways and i don't trust myself to keep from reaching for it.

my checking account's overdrawn, i have bills due the next few days, no money and i'm going to have to sell my ds on ebay. kadengot it for me for my birthday in february.

on a happier note, i'm somewhat excited for christmas which my ridiculous family is celebrating this weekend. also, one of my childhood friends is having her bridal shower this weekend. but ... i'm one of her bridesmaids and i don't know if the dress i ordered before i left for japan is still going to fit ):

oh and it turns out my uncle is gay, the young one (my great uncle is gay too). and coming out is big gossip for any family i'm sure, but my family is very conservative christian and an intervention with a church pastor is formulating and now everyone in the family knows that he has a collection of exotic underwear. i love my aunt very much and i feel terrible for her because her marriage has been so shitty. i feel bad for my uncle because he's still trying to hide it when it's so obvious.