tonight i had an ice cream crepe and it was tasty!

it's been a long time since i last posted. i will make the update concise:
1) i moved out of my parents house and took the dog! i moved in with my best friend and it's going well and is exciting
2) i transferred with my work instead of getting a new job and it's been generally miserable so i'm applying for something new.
3) i have not b/p'd since moving
4) tx sugar daddy texted me saying he's sorry for letting me down and he's been thinking about my a lot lately. gross.
5) kaden bought me an engagement ring, tried to get me to go to hawaii to meet his family/propose. he is now visiting from japan to try to get me back and it's awk
6) jzzlzzl is hot

i'm home now in my little flooded town.

jaden picked me up from the airport this morning, much to kaden's annoyance i'm sure. then my parents came and fetched me from seattle when the mighty tides receded. my sleep pattern is thoroughly fucked.

i am feeling incredibly deep sadness. when you're depressed all the time, it's often difficult to differentiate between levels of sadness. but i really think i'm lower than usual right now.

i somehow gained 15 pounds in the six weeks i was in tokyo when it was actually my goal to lose 15. i know there's not really anything in that sentence that's logical, but it's still so frustrating to me.

i haven't talked to kaden yet, i don't know if i should or if i should just send him a letter. i understand why i had that dream about tortoise stalking me at church. i think it's about trying to find peace for yourself and then someone very inconsiderately coming into your life to dangle promises of false hope in your face when you're vulnerable. i don't want that, it's too draining, and when i run away from it, it's because i really do want it in some ways and i don't trust myself to keep from reaching for it.

my checking account's overdrawn, i have bills due the next few days, no money and i'm going to have to sell my ds on ebay. kadengot it for me for my birthday in february.

on a happier note, i'm somewhat excited for christmas which my ridiculous family is celebrating this weekend. also, one of my childhood friends is having her bridal shower this weekend. but ... i'm one of her bridesmaids and i don't know if the dress i ordered before i left for japan is still going to fit ):

oh and it turns out my uncle is gay, the young one (my great uncle is gay too). and coming out is big gossip for any family i'm sure, but my family is very conservative christian and an intervention with a church pastor is formulating and now everyone in the family knows that he has a collection of exotic underwear. i love my aunt very much and i feel terrible for her because her marriage has been so shitty. i feel bad for my uncle because he's still trying to hide it when it's so obvious.

i woke up from another scary dream.

i dreamt i was holding hands with kaden walking through ikebukero to get home. i noticed the street was flooding and all of a sudden it was up to my thighs. then it was deeper than i am tall. the water was very cold. kaden kept walking and pulling me through the water and i couldn't breathe. i knew this was a dream and i kept trying to wake myself up. but there was something heavy on my throat and it was so hard to breathe. in my sleep i was squeezing kaden's arm and digging my nails into him trying to get him to wake me up out of my nightmare. i was crying and whining in my sleep too, and he said aloud "what's wrong with you?"

i woke up and realized he was sound asleep and we weren't even touching.

tomorrow craigslistwhore is picking me up and taking me to seattle where i'm staying until tuesday. tuesday i fly to tokyo. i'm excited to get out of here. living with my parents is draining.

the prescriptions i'm taking (ortho evra, effexor and seroquel) are not treating me well. for some reason i am bleeding when i shouldn't be. i can't feel my face or my arms or my legs. and i feel completely out of it. i'm more moody than usual and i can't help but feel overwhelmed by despair.

t9 is a funny thing.
coal anal cock
lips kiss
select reject

i can't fit everything i want to take into my luggage. necessities include: mid calf brown boots, knee high black boots, purple ankle boots, black patent calfhair wedges, black ballet flats, running shoes, underwear, bras, fur coat, fur lined hooded jacket, magenta jacket, other assorted jackets and blazers, leggings, jeans, two short sleeved turtlenecks, trapeze tops, dresses, a painting that's a gift for the bf, a miniature broom and dustpan (housewarming gift), glass photo coasters (another housewarming gift), four hats, scarves, long black leather gloves, short black leather gloves, cream cashmere fingerless gloves, shampoo, *conditioner (still need to buy), face wash, body wash, hair products, hair accessories, makeup, straight iron, curling iron, ipod, books, magazines, airplane snacks, wallet, passport, sunglasses, contact lenses and cases, glasses, robe, nintendo ds, digital camera, rechargeable batteries + charger, camera cable, ds charger ....

i have to go let my dog in.