how do you repair a sinkhole in your heart?
when nothing is enough to fill you up, what you do get, even generous offerings, disappear quickly
why do you look for answers if they do not exist?
they were destroyed long ago and there's no hope for resurrection, yet you still hope

me: mama why did you leave me? i needed you, you're my mother.
mother: i didn't want to, i promise. but i had to, and it was best for you.
me: if you didn't want to, why did you do it?
mother: i told you. i had to.
me: why?
mother: i wasn't in a situation to take care of you.
me: why not? what sort of situation were you in?
mother: i was poor and unmarried
me: so?
mother: i couldn't have provided you what you needed, what you deserved.
me: what did i need and deserve?
mother: a stable family, an education, money, clothes, food
me: but i needed you. you could have given me that much.
mother: no, i couldn't. i didn't even have enough of myself for myself.
me: but i could have given you me. together we could have made it.
mother: no, babies can't give, they can only take.
me: i think babies give more than adults can. they love you so so much no matter what you do. they give you a sense of purpose and a feeling of responsibility. they are tiny little balls of concentrated potential. how could it not give you hope to raise one?
mother: i was hopeless. i'm sorry.
me: me too.