Log in

No account? Create an account

Oct. 17th, 2010


Hello. I rarely update this blog anymore as I've begun a new one at polygnome.blogspot.com so click on over there if you'd like.

I sell vintage clothes and make accessories and other neat things. You can click on a picture or go to http://hallandhautes.com/ to see more.

New Website: Hall & Hautes

I started a new website called Hall & Hautes. I sell vintage mens and womens items, stuff for the home and handmade goods.

Check it out please.

coming back to what i know.

I'm coming back.


all i can fucking think about is you leaving me. and i wanted desperately to cling on to your leg with my legs and my arms and try to make you stay but it would have been humiliating for me and it was easier to just curl up on the futon with my face into the back of it and ignore you when you tried to say goodbye. i turned to you and kissed you and your eyes were watery i think and you said "you're so mad at me." and i said "yeah, i am." and then i went back to being curled up. you looked so hurt that i was so pissed at you. and i get that. i got it then too. but it wasn't worth it. you weren't worth it. and i'm terrified i won't find someone who is.

i remember being so excited to tell you i love you for the first time. i wrote about it in my livejournal in fact! i told people about it. "I'm going to L-Bomb him when he gets back from Utah." and then you came back and i was so fucking scared but i did it and you were mad that I beat you to it. your timing was always wrong.

i remember you telling me you might stay in seattle and not go to japan until i had graduated and we could go together and in the meantime you might go to UW and i remember the next thing we were at ashley's, she was cutting your hair, and you were showing her on google maps where you would be living and she was so excited for you and everyone else was so excited for you except for me. i was the only person who wanted to ruin it for you. and that should have been the end. when i realized you weren't staying for me, i should have walked away but i was fucking stupid and i stayed. and i regret that every time i see your goddamn face in my mind, trying to kiss me with your teary-welled eyes and you saying "you're so mad at me."

The last part of last night's weird dream.

I had a dream last night.

I remember standing on a street corner helping a giant woman (she seemed giant, was probably at least 6 feet tall and very big boned) take off her coat. I could tell that she and her two friends were German because they were talking w/eachother. And I for whatever reason decided to try to talk to them. My german is terrible and I said "Entschuldigung Sie bitte" which is like "excuse me" as I tried to walk around them. Then I asked "Konnen ich hilfe mit der buttons?" cuz I could tell this woman seemed a bit "special" and was trying to get her coat off.

Anyway, I helped her get the coat off and then I started crossing the street. Jeremy was in the middle of the street crossing diagonally even though there were cars coming and he said "Bun! Come follow me this way! I discovered something that other people on earth don't know about yet!" So I followed.

Eventually I got to the building I apparently lived in. Peter was there and tried to jump over a fence but kept not making it. I said "Aah! Don't kill yourself." and then somehow a penis joke got started. It probably went something like this:

Don't kill yourself Peter!
I'll kill you!
I'll kill your penis!
Your mom has a penis.
YOU have a penis! OH wait.

Or something equally tasteful and classy. Both Christina and Jeremy were there to join in. Peter and Jeremy were roommates and Christina and I lived together. We heard ZJ whining from the apt so we hurried up the stairs to get him. He'd peed on the floor but I wasn't mad because I blamed it on myself for leaving him home alone so long.

OH SHIT. I remember I was going to give my dentist a blowjob (WTF?) And I can't remember why, but it was in payment for something like my fake tooth that I have. He was not attractive (in reality I actually have an okay looking dentist. I think my brain modeled him after my TX sugar daddy). He kept trying to have sex with me though and I was like "Stay away from my pussy! I'm not having sex with you!" And also was taking FOREVER to finish. Eventually I just asked him "How long is this going to take you?" and he acted all mock offended but I could tell he was really pissed off and frustrated. He said "You don't have to stay here. It's not like I'm going to take anything back if you don't stay."

There were also other people that I know from church Sunday school including a girl who's dead now. And I remember in the dream contemplating whether or not I could ever date her because she was super butch in real life.

There were necklaces that had messages written in beads on them, but I just had 3 blank cords around my neck.

Anyway, Mr. Dentist's penis was awful I hated it. I left because I felt really awful and sleazy. And then I think that's when I met up with the German ladies on the street corner. Oh and Mr. Dentist was wearing rubber gloves. I told him I thought it was hot, but it was a lie!
You pretend youre high
You pretend youre bored
You pretend youre anything
Just to be adored
And what you need
Is what you get

Dont believe in fear
Dont believe in faith
Dont believe in anything
That you cant break

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted

What drives you on what drives you on
Can drive you mad can drive you mad
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had

Dont believe in love

Dont believe in hate
Dont believe in anything
That you cant waste

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Cant believe you fake it
Cant believe you fake it

Dont believe in fear
Dont believe in pain
Dont believe in anyone
That you cant tame

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Cant believe you fake it
Cant believe you fake it

You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Cant believe you fake it
Cant believe you fake it
fuck. i am so irresponsible/lazy/panic disordered/i don't know what my problem is.

i am trying to defer my student loans because i have no job and no way to pay them let alone my other bills and it's like my brain shuts down whenever i need to do something really important. i've gained 10 pounds and i hate it. i hate my hair. i realize this is stupid and vain.

i have to sell my ds on ebay. i keep hoping i won't wake up. or that i can just disappear into thin air. or any escape. seriously. fuck. i am so mad and sad and desperate and stressed out. i hate this.

rant done.
i hate when people pay attention to me buying food, preparing food, dishing up food, eating food or anything like that.

i have been watching this girl's youtube videos and this one about the grocery store made me laugh. i always feel very self conscious and angry when strangers talk to me at the store.

I do not care that I fit into size 0-3 pants. It does not comfort me. ughhhhhh
i miss being skinny.